In some situations, anger can feel like a more socially acceptable emotion to express, especially for men. Maybe it seems like anger is more likely to be heard or to get a response. In a lot of ways, anger tries to protect these other emotional sides of us from being exposed. Anger can feel safer, more powerful, and less vulnerable. Each of these emotions sometimes likes to hide under anger. We only see the hostility, but underneath is a mass of emotions including things like grief, sadness, fear, boredom, inadequacy, and shame. It may not be socially acceptable to say that one is angry, but it might seem more acceptable to say that one is down or anxious. In some cases, being depressed can feel like a more socially acceptable expression of that heaviness, especially for women. Other times it sits in his or her body and weighs everything down. For various reasons, his or her voice has been silenced in certain parts or seasons of his or her life. So often, it becomes clear as our work together unfolds that my client who is experiencing depression has a lot to be angry about. In no way do I want to minimize, trivialize, or simplify the experience of depression to a single cause. There is a lot going on when someone is experiencing depression. This can be called emotion icebergs, since we can see the tip of the iceberg on the surface, but much of it is actually located below. Often what is seen on the surface is an extension of what is occuring underneath. People experiencing depression usually are surprised to discover that they score high on anger or aggression, or both. When an individual comes to see me for therapy, I often give an assessment that gives us a snapshot of what is going on for him or her internally right at that moment.
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